Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Happy Star Wars day!