Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.