[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
constantly working on myself.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?