I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*