[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.