I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Denise please return my vape pen
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop