Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
they finally got him. they got macavity
don’t we all
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law