Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.