Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D