How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
For anyone who needs this today
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*