Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver