*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The honesty is refreshing
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?