I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Who did it better?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.