Tell the colonel to bring it
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no