wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral