Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
You Might Also Like
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees