I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.