“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.