Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Them: You should try keto
Me: