“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list