Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?