Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
In case you needed to hear it:
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*