[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*