Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Thursday
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.