My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.