Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
2023 was just a warmup
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Camping tip: No.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
is this how new cars are made??
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.