A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭