doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
😅🤣😂
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.