They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
You Might Also Like
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
why I oughta
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.