Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me if I was a dog
peep davidson
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.