“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.