WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
You Might Also Like
Me irl
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”