Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
There’s always that one guy
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.