“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me