Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I occasionally drink every single night.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*