I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You Might Also Like
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
they really do be looking like this
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”