Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.