Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
<- sleeps well with others
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*