you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.