911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Mood.. 😂
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
This could be us but you eatin’
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder