I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Finished stitching this today 😇
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Home #decor warning.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.