Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
synchronized noseblowing
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”