How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
mood
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…