Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
You Might Also Like
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
The news is so predictable nowadays
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.