waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer