I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
(Jupiter –
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”