Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
live long and prosper!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?