Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave