My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
😂💯
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
How wrong was this guy?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.