[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.